Riaan Cruywagen: Man van Staal!

Imagine that there was a secret that the South African government didn’t want you to know. Imagine that the secret was hidden in plain sight.

I’ve found that secret, and it is both profound and disturbing.

Riaan Cruywagen, well, at least the Riaan Cruywagen we all see on the SABC Afrikaans news….is a robot.

Wait! Wait! Don’t close the window yet!! Let me explain!!!

It all started one night flipping between channels. By chance I caught the tail end of a SABC Afrikaans news broadcast. And who should be reading it, but a face from my distant childhood: Riaan Cruywagen!

Riaan Cruywagen: Robot in Disguise…

And more than the shock of seeing a comforting old face, was the shock that the face in question hadn’t aged in more than a decade and a half!

Then it hit me: Riaan was a ‘droid.

Now what possible evidence would I have to back this up? Well, for starters he looks YOUNGER now than when I last saw him almost 15 years ago. The hair is exactly the same. Its as if they put him in a Zip-Lock bag every evening to preserve his crunchiness and freshness (I pondered that theory for a second and then promptly dismissed it as “creepy” and “wierd”). His skin tone is far too light for a normal human being.

See, how this came to light is that the real Riaan Cruywagen emigrated to Holland during the unrest in the 1990’s. In an attempt to circumvent the inevitable panic among the population that would follow at the departure of such an august personality, the old South African government developed the “Realistic-Imitation-Amorphous-Android-Nano-Bot” or the “Riaan-Bot” for short. Now they could have Riaan read the news for at least the next 50 years without interruption. Originally built as a series of 10 robots, only one remains. And that one remaining robot is the one we see on TV every night (Unit 10).

The reason why his skin tone is so light is that Unit 1 worked so well that the SABC thought that they would never need more than 5 units. The last 5 weren’t well maintained and were stored on the SABC roof, left to weather the elements on their own. As the first PC’s came out the “Stoned” virus corrupted the operating system of the initial core of 5 robots. When the last 5 robots were recovered from the roof, only 1 remained fully functional (if somewhat bleached). Namely Unit 10.

A very reliable source from the local pub has informed me that a combat function was also built into the Riaan-bots. After all, if you’re going to spend that kind of money developing an android you might as well put a gun on it, right? The Riaan-bot preserves its precious outer skin during battle by transforming into a more utilitarian shape, ready for battle (See image below).

The Riaan-Bot, fully transformed and ready to Rock!

So the question currently on your mind has to be: Whatever happened to the REAL Riaan Cruywagen? Well, he’s currently living a comfortable life in a quiet corner of the Dutch countryside in a palatial estate just outside of Amsterdam with his wife, and is grandpa to many little Riaan-lings. He is able to afford to live on such a huge estate with servants because he struck a deal with the then government to pay him royalties every time they used his “image” on TV.

And that explains why the programming on SABC stays so crappy, even though hundreds of thousands of us pay our TV licenses every year.

All that TV license money goes towards keeping Riaan in clogs.

Rest easy though. Should Zimbabwe ever attempt to invade our fertile shores, you can sleep in peace knowing that the Riaan-Bot will be first in line to defend our democracy, giving the ungodly hordes a facefull of good ‘ole South African Lead!

Stocrin and Dagga: Treatment Action Campaign goofs again

I cringe every time I hear about warning labels in America.

You know the kind I’m talking about. The “Do not hit human beings” warning labels on hammers. Or the “Do not ingest” labels on bottles of Jik. Or my favourite: “Do not use whilst bathing” labels on hairdryers. Warnings to people who should rightfully be weeded out of the Human Gene pool through natural selection.

Who should we ridicule more? The Hairy-Armpit brigade who insist that “people have a right to be warned” so that they don’t harm themselves or others? Or the people who believe that drinking their own pee will promote better health?

This knee-jerk reaction of putting warning labels on everyday products stems from opportunist lawsuits in America, of the “I-sued-McDonalds-because-my-coffee-was-too-hot” variety. In South Africa we don’t have that problem. Because we’ve based our system of law off Roman-Dutch Law, a South African Judge will ask the plaintiff:

“How many years have you drunk coffee?”

“All my life.” says the plaintiff.

“Do you drink cold coffee?” asks the Judge.

“No! Coffee is always served hot.” says the plaintiff.

“Ok. So you have the expectation that coffee will be most likely always be hot when you receive it. If everyone has a reasonable expectation that coffee will be served hot, why would you think that in this instance your coffee would NOT be hot. I’m fining you R2000 for wasting my time.” concludes the judge.

And thats why South Africans don’t sue half as much as the Yanks.

But while our law dosen’t allow for suing en-masse, that mentality of putting warning labels on everything under the sun constantly threatens our South African way of life. I dreaded the day when that mentality would finally cross the Atlantic and slither along our shoreline.

That day of dread, was today. Iafrica.com reported that criminals were robbing AIDS sufferers of their supplies of the anti-retroviral Stocrin to smoke with Dagga so that they could get a better high. You can read the full article here.

Whilst shocking, its not surprising. Just when you think human beings couldn’t sink to a more barbarous level, they’ll rise to the occasion to show you just how low they will go.

What IS surprising is the mentatlity behind people who lead NGOs such as the Treatment Action Campaign.

“Aids lobby group, the Treatment Action Campaign, has warned against smoking Stocrin, part of a triple therapy cocktail given to patients, and reported to be the drug being abused. “Stocrin was a “very toxic drug”, TAC spokesperson Lerato Maloka told AFP.”

What on God’s Green Earth would lead the TAC to issue a statement, warning criminals not to smoke Stocrin with Dagga?
Think about it for a second. Who gives a shit about the health and well-being of criminals? Especially scum who’ll steal life-saving drugs from a dying person? Not me!
In fact, let the bastards smoke up and die. Don’t warn them. Let nature take its course.

Do the good people at the TAC honestly believe that hardened sociopaths will read their statement and say to their fellow criminals:
“Good gracious! Look at that old Bean! Smoking Stocrin with Marijuana is BAD for you? Lets stop immediately! Quick, lets go back to just smoking straight Dagga.”

NO. Junkies smoke up to get bigger and better highs. Its because they don’t care that they steal from the dying.
They are not stealing Stocrin to prolong their lives. They are not stealing Stocrin out of desperation. They are stealing for purely selfish reasons.

So, naieve and well meaning people at the TAC: you might think you’re helping to reduce levels of anti-retroviral theft by issuing what essentially amounts to a health warning. But really, you’re just counting on getting through to the consciences of people who have effectively don’t have them.

If you really want to help, get behind real initiatives that’ll solve the root of the problem: Ignorance and moral decay. Lobbying for anti-retrovirals for people already suffering from the good ole’ High-Five (HIV) is like applying a band-aid to a gaping and bloody wound that requires a full medical team at a hospital. The AIDS virus is adapting FAST to the current types of Anti-retrovirals in use today. Most of the global research funding put aside to developing NEW drugs are mostly going into varieties that combat Northern Hemisphere strains. Relying on drugs only to solve the Aids Pandemic is destined to fail miserably. The only way you’re going to save Africa is to reverse the moral decay and cultural atrophy affecting Southern African culture through education.

I can understand why you’re not keen to do this as it takes a full school going generation to see results. Thats what, 20 years? Having worked in the NGO sector for my entire adult career, I can attest to the ego’s that lead them. 20 years is just too long a time for you to wait around to collect the kudos. Harsh criticism? Yes. Unwarrented? Maybe. But no matter what I think or say, people are still dropping dead at an alarming rate on a daily basis.

Pieter Dirk Uys likes to use the following analogy/statistic that the people who die from Aids in a week in South Africa equals three times the number of people who died on 9/11. Thats every week.

So TAC, until you pull your finger out, keep your crazed mumblings to yourself.