Lessons from the world’s most beautiful chinese man

July 30, 2007

South African TV worth watching (Pt. 1)

Filed under: Entertainment, Thoughts — Tags: , — Greig Timkoe @ 9:35 pm

Why do programs like Baywatch, or Knight Rider, the A-Team for that matter go on to find wider appeal world wide. These programs break the bonds of social and cultural convention to speak to those base emotions common to all humanity. Emotions such as: Lust; Violence; Social Justice; Sex and Thrills. But not with too much complexity, mind you. Murdock from the A-Team was merely “insane”. They never really explored the tradegy of his mental illness.

“So why this sudden bout of uncalled for tenderness, Greig?” I hear you ask. “Do you have a new sweetie? Are you going soft on us?” The answers to those questions are “No” and “No”. I merely put these thoughts before you because I realised that there is a HUGE gap in the local series market, a chance to make some decent money.

Ever tuned into any locally produced series? You soon flip channels faster than an epileptic fry-cook who’s spent 30 years behind the grill.

Why is that? Well, probably because misguided liberals are handing out the cash in a vague attempt to try to “intellectualise” and “understand” what happened to all of us in the past.

Look: Shit happened. But intellectuals often forget the mental resilience of the people who inhabit this continent. People here are TOUGH mentally. They have to be. They don’t crumble after being raped, robbed, stabbed, beaten or all 4 at once.

They simply can’t AFFORD to.

Nowhere is there a better example of forgive-and-forget than the people who I employ in my food business. These are people who are old enough to have a genuine claim to the title of “Victim of Apartheid”. Nothing disgusts me more than a 14 year old loin rat who takes part in a mass riot, wantonly destroying things claiming to be a “freedom fighter” or a “victim of apartheid”. You disgrace all those who have come before you.

The people who work for me acknowledge that a great wrong was done to them. They can recall times so tough that they make even ME blanch. But they also realise that that time has passed and that no amount of grieving can undo all the tradegy that has befallen them in the past. They realise that the only way to move now, is forward. To build a better tomorrow for themselves.

That being said, I noticed that many of the tv programs that captivated me as a child revolved around “Good guys bringing Bad guys to justice” type shows. America during the 80’s struggled with rising crime rates and the populace turned to stories that brought hope, of one day finding people who could bring evildoers to justice.

South Africa is in exactly the same frame of mind now. Why not use concepts from epic 80’s shows and re-interpret them for our modern context?

Lets make shows that will captivate and resonate with a public that is fed-up over crime. Here are a few of my best ideas for shows:

1) The Black Knight Rider

Nolie Damane, a young female black university student is walking home one day, only to be wounded in a hail of gunfire between two rival taxi associations. She wakes up in a private hospital run by the billionaire industrialist, Jakkie Vermeulen, only to find that she is now a paraplegic and will be wheelchair bound for life.

She tries hard to re-habilitate herself through physical therapy, touching the distant Vermeulen with her determination. Vermeulen then offers Nolie a chance to fight crime with his vast wealth working to aid her in her quest for justice.

Vermeulen gives Nolie access to his most secret high tech anti crime project, the Metal Overdrive Turbo Ordinance Recoil Keeper Arresting Revenger One (Or M.O.T.O.R.K.A.R. 1) for short. We learn that Vermeulen’s Right-wing younger brother Jako Vermeulen died in a similar senseless hail of gunfire, thus fueling Jakkie Vermeulen’s desire to bring those responsible to justice. It is this digitised version of Vermeulen’s dead brother that serves as the artificial intelligence Avatar for the M.O.T.O.R.K.A.R.1.

To avoid suspicion, the powerful and hi tech M.O.T.O.R.K.A.R.1 is clad in the black skin of a Toyota-Hi-Ace Mini bus under the guise of a Taxi. But no ordinary Taxi.

Its professional Rockford-Fosgate sound system dampens and distracts observers when the two .50 calibre machine guns mounted behind the headlamps fire.

It also features a 3G wireless internet connection with Vermeulen’s intelligence division, offering on the spot advice and analysis. The ashtray serves as a mobile laboratory able to identify every drug known to man.

Fully bulletproof, and running off a turbo charged bio diesel engine capable of reaching pursuit speeds of up to 400 km per hour, the M.O.T.O.R.K.A.R. 1 is a force to be reckoned with.

Coupled with this, Nolie is given the use of a special wheelchair; capapble of short range flight on jump jets; an accelerated motorised engine capable of accelerating the specially re-inforced chair to speeds of up to 80km per hour; and a special tazer that can kill or stun over short ranges. She is also given a special set of Kevlar riding leathers and a “Smart” helmet capable of projecting video onto the visor. It also serves as a hands free cellphone and two-way radio.

Thus armed Nolie Damane is reborn and will stalk the night, as a Black Knight, to fight crime with the help of the digital ghost of reformed right-winger Jako Vermeulen.

To Be Continued!!

July 10, 2007

We were stupid children

Filed under: Thoughts — Tags: , — Greig Timkoe @ 10:12 am

If you were born early enough to remember watching (and REALLY enjoying) the A-Team when it was FIRST broadcast on TV, then you have to face up to the fact that you were a stupid kid.

Damian remarked that “it was a more innocent time” and that “we live in a more cynical time”. I disagree with both those statements. I, WE, were stupid children.


I was idly flipping between channels the other day and came across episode 10 of the first season of the A-Team (on DSTV’s series channel).

What. A. Crock. Of. Shit.

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The A-Team: BEE compliant

Consider the main plot for a second:

The A-Team is hired to help a poor farmer and his daughter outwit and vanquish a bunch of thugs who want the said farmer’s land. They do this by preventing the farmer from taking his crop to market by making a roadblock and manning it with rifle-wielding men. If the poor farmer doesn’t get his melons to market then he loses his farm for lack of an income.

That sounds believable. Except it all falls apart on closer inspection.

The said crop is….(wait for it)…..watermelons.

Now watermelons are a fairly valuable commodity. In large numbers.

I had to choke back my incredulity when I watched the A-Team extort 2 trucks from a less then honest trucker and drive them to the farmer’s farm, only to have the farmer’s daughter state:” Why did you steal two trucks? We don’t have that many melons to take to market”.

In the mind’s eye, a truck is a huge 18 wheeled behemoth of metal and rubber. But in this episode of the A-Team, a truck means a little light duty truck, much like a little Isuzu delivery truck that drops off newspapers.

Now lets consider how many melons could go to market. At most you could fit maybe 5 melons in a wooden crate. And you could pack in perhaps a maximum of 250 crates in the back of the truck. That leaves you with 1250 melons in the truck.

In a telephonic conversation in the episode we hear that the melons are selling for 30 US cents each. So that leaves you with a total of $375.

This means one of 2 things:

1) The farmer is on his last legs and $375 will go a long way to saving his farm by helping to reduce his bond.

2) The farmer is actually not doing too badly at all and is just neurotic because he owes the bank $375.

Either way you look at it, this farm is circling the drain. The former because it looks like he only grew 1 kind of crop and he’d have to wait a whole growing season before he could make ANY money again (aside from selling the body of his mildly unattractive daughter. You know the ones I’m talking about, those 80’s women with bad makeup and the suggestion that they didn’t believe in waxing their unmentionables); the latter because if you’re the kind of person who’s going to get worked up over $375, then you’re the kind of person who will most likely (in a few years) blow your head off under a tree outside your house (so as not to leave a mess for your loved ones to clean up) and hang your burial suit up on a convenient branch so that the undertakers won’t have to hunt for something to dress your corpse up in.

At this point my brain started to palpitate and refused to consider the ramifications of my childhood stupidity. But just as we can’t resist stopping at a roadside accident to watch the gory clean-up; I couldn’t turn away from this big steaming pile of shit. Because believe you me, it got WORSE.


Here are a few highlights and why they hurt my soul so:

1) There is a scene where Murdock watches the bad guys building their roadblock.

What’s wrong with this picture: This roadblock is made up of a low wall of hay
bales. This wall barely reached chest height and was made up of a single layer of
bales. Bear in mind that this roadblock is meant to stop a truck.

2) The A-Team inexplicably need to build a “chase car”. This is probably done so that they can play the A-Team theme tune and the audience can watch Mr. T. weld for 5 minutes.

What’s wrong with this picture: Mr. T. is welding “bulletproof” plates onto a little Renault mini “Le Car”. These “bulletproof” sheets are made up of steel so thin that it can be seen to bend in Mr. T’s hands. Steel that thin will have trouble keeping out the wind, let alone bullets! Oh, and none of the plates cover the windows, thus offering virtually no protection to the heads of its passengers.

3) The A-Team pack two bales of hay onto a hastily constructed cargo bay at the back of the chase car. During the chase it is set on fire to make a smoke screen to foil pursuers.

What’s wrong with this picture: They’ve set their own car on fire. The smoke causes Murdock (the driver) to not see a bend in the road and he and Face crash the car.

4) The A-Team use the second truck as a dummy vehicle to fool the bad guys.

What’s wrong with this picture: They insist on packing a single layer of melon crates with melons in them to “fool the bad guys”. Even though it is a closed cargo cabin with no windows to let you see inside the truck. And at this point, every melon they can sell counts!! I’m not even going to bother explaining why this is fundamentally stupid anymore, just keep reading.

5) At the end of the episode the characters comment on how the melons weren’t fresh and had to be sold at under market value.

6) The A-Team took a 20% cut of the melon proceeds as a fee.

7) The A-Team stopped the bad guy by dropping watermelons on his car from a helicopter during a car chase. These inept bad guys were so scared of falling melons that they overturned their car. And once again, they needed EVERY melon they could get to save the farm. Its-called-bricks-or-stones!!

8) The men manning the roadblocks were expected to stop a fairly heavy vehicle going at top speed with nothing but .22 winchester rifles.

SEE?!! SEE?!! We were stupid children!!!! We never ONCE stopped to question the validity of what the A-Team were doing.

So in conclusion:

The A-Team were willing to put their lives on the line for just $75. They helped a rather stupid farmer prolong his suffering by perhaps another month or so before the bank declared him insolvent. They also messed up a perfectly good Renault just so that the audience could have a quick DIY course on how to turn a car into an armoured vehicle that couldn’t shield its passengers from gravel kicked up by its tyres.

I’m going to read an encyclopaedia now. I suggest you do the same.

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